It’s right around the corner – you don’t even notice the smooth transition into a next season. A season we are prepared, yet never ready for. A season of new lessons, therefore a season full of challenges. I never expected this season to be this life-changing. Meaning, I never expected this season to be this intense, challenging and dark.
I’m no expert in.. actually in nothing. But I do experience. I experience deeply, and am not afraid of life. So that’s actually all I want to share: my experience of this journey called life.
Where it all started..
Please read the following with care, cause.. you’ll figure
In 2015 I had the privilege of working on the first edition of Heart Ibiza by Cirque du Soleil and the Brothers Adria. I enjoyed a Balearic Summer season on the island, with a 3-week break on the Dutch Antilles – I was living! Living on an island seemed to be my thing, working at night seemed to be my thing, and, man, not having to worry about rent, responsibilities and ‘reality’ seemed to just be my thing.
In October I had to decide what to do next, rather, where to go next. I still had the offer to work on an amazing Performing Arts university in Sitges, Barcelona, so I rolled back to where I lived the 8 months before moving to Ibiza. With a little cringe I went back to the real world – the city!
A month later I met an incredible guy, we started dating ,and in no-time I was in my first relationship. First for various reasons, but mainly cause I never met anybody who was worth the risk of getting hurt along the way. Like I said, I’m not afraid of life, but I definitely used to be afraid of being loved. I was ready, though. Ready and excited to finally tackle and overcome this fear. I mean, for once a guy was worth unraveling this complicated piece of art.
It all seems so innocent, beautiful and exciting, but what sounds rather normal to society, was pretty damaging to me. You’ve just been introduced to the beginning of what ended up being my darkest season in my, so far, twenty-seven years of life.
The beauty of love and relationships is the mirror it creates to one’s self – revealing the beauty, the flaws and the “oh my days, this needs to change”-factors to those who are willing to confront and reflect themselves. After twenty-six years I definitely knew and loved myself, as a single person, but unity brings out more than a sole person every can. I therefore also believe that I mirrored some self-destructive behaviour, weak habits and unknown traits, which, in time, have changed my perception and way of approaching life, of treating myself and others.
I love people and have trained myself to put aside my own needs and wants. The simple desire to travel, to create and to live a simple lifestyle, the urging wish for family love and quietness and the even more important need for limits, I’ve ignored them and now had to learn to listen to them and appreciate them all. Cause one can not love others if one can’t really love themselves.
My dreams, great expectations and future-minded habits have taken me far and they have made me grow. They, unconsciously, have even been my escape from unwanted emotions and distraction. But they’ve never taught me satisfaction of enjoying the moment the way it is and they didn’t help me to be content with who I was in that very moment. And once again: one can not love (: be content with) others if one can’t really love (: be content with) themselves – I reckon it says it all.
I thought everybody feels their leg hair move, hears phones vibrate next door, smells meat burning right before it does, gets all dracula-like with bright lights, intensely senses the needs of others and gets overwhelmed if all these senses come together. High Sensitivity – a personality trait I discovered as a weakness, a blessing I discovered as a curse. I was forced to learn my limits due to stress, but I got encouraged to start from zero, to love myself too, to create the lifestyle I always wanted and to finally start walking in my purpose.
This was just an introduction to a testimony I’m still living out to this very moment. A change I hope to keep with me the rest of my life on this globe. A story that hopefully helps and inspires you too.
I’d love to open up these upcoming weeks and be real and honest about how this season has impacted me physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally, and how I learned to deal with it.
Will you join me on this journey?
love & peace,