Try living without breathing. We all know what the consequences, don’t we?
Now imagine living without what is dear to you, that what makes you feel alive instead of living. That life element that fuels you and charges you to overcome the challenges that might come with it. That lifestyle that allows you to let go of the so many stimuli, senses and ‘stress’ we are overloaded with daily. That thing that gives you sense of belonging, matter and purpose. Imagine living without it.
“I believe in purpose,
but I believe in decisions, too!”
Over the years I allowed myself to silently slip away from what I’m made for. I decided to step back and pause my dance career. I fled from the uncomfortable thought of developing greatness and excellence in the unknown. This made me end up living a life and lifestyle I wasn’t made for. If everyone has a destined path of life to live out – passions, talents, vocation, responsibilities – you could say, I was walking on the sidewalk, the one beside my path. And returning to Barcelona was mere a continuation of the poor habit I created when doing so. I lived a life that wasn’t mine. I lived beside my purpose. But guess what, it redirected me to where I’m meant to be, even stronger than ever before.
Before I got to that point of redirection I had to go through some seasons and phases of discontent and emptiness. My soul started screaming for the need to travel and create (:unsettle and unload), yet I ignored this gut-feeling. This caused an emotional imbalance and, unknowingly, had an immense impact on my personal peace and how I perceived my environment. The simple presence of people and ordinary sounds became greatly overwhelming and disturbing – this, in the always sunny, therefore always busy and loud Barcelona. The external stimuli and senses didn’t get the chance of leaving my system as they normally would through dancing or creating, so my highly sensitive self ended up in the wrong cycle. The vicious one.
For those who know me, know as well that I have zero tolerance for cycles. I believe in healthy habits and dealing with the issue on the spot, but a cycle creates that “death fish going with the flow”-flow that a conscious being shouldn’t give in to. It makes that issue come back in so many different forms and shapes, until you finally get sick of it and decide differently, for once and always. But how do you start breaking the cycle if you are stuck in positions with responsibilities you consciously decided to take on?
. . .
Before I continue I’d love to make one thing very clear. The decisions I make are based on my intuition and the convictions I get. I pause, pray and meditate, and then I “be still” and listen to what the God in me inspires me to do. It doesn’t mean the decisions I make are perfect or without fault, it does mean I am convinced of them the moment I make them. It also means I base them a Source higher than me and take responsibility for living them out, but I don’t take credit for any of the glory or blessings that it might create. Keep this in mind when reading my blogs and you’ll understand why I see beauty in my pain and grace in my darkness.
There was only one way for me to start the process of breaking the vicious cycle: I had to listen to myself. This hasn’t been too difficult for me in the past, but as I silent the voice of desire in me, I had to really stand still and question myself: “What do you want? What do you need?”.
Actually, let me rephrase it. The only way to break the cycle was listening to myself and acting on it [שְׁמַע – ‘Shema’ – listen: hear and obey]. I knew what I wanted a long time ago, but the problem was more in the action part. The wish to be responsibility-free, to be able to really rest and recover, was my supreme need, so I pulled out the roots I allowed to deepen in the wrong grounds, and all the obligations and duties that came with it, and I moved my pretty ass back to my haven: Holland ♥ Thanks to my unconditionally loving mother I was able to come back to an environment of zero responsibility. I decided to take three steps back and disconnect, to then reconnect and shoot myself five steps ahead – catapult style.
Start catching feelings
As I had seven weeks between the decision and the actual moment of moving back (you got to be responsible in dropping your responsibilities) I had to find a way to deal with my body and soul which already started to create new habits in a still old setting and situation. Breaking the habit of Carpe “Future” started by allowing my current feelings to be, so I would learn to be present, here, now. As easy as it sounds, it was actually pretty painful and scary – it was deeply confronting. Feelings of failure, loneliness, emptiness, desperation, insecurity, giving up, you name it. They had to be allowed for me to renew habits and learn to seize the moment.
No toxic, no cry
Beside that my body and soul didn’t always allow me to leave the house for long, I had to actually set myself conscious limits too. I had to forget about pleasing people – should’ve done that a long time ago anyways – and learn to say ‘No’ when it came to who I shared my precious time and environment with. As my sensory protection wall was weaker than ever before I couldn’t let all types of beings, attitudes, behaviours and energies around and had to really filter what and who I allowed present and when. It made me realise: I should be more specific and always use this filter of discernment.
I survived the twelve months of unsuitable lifestyle, the two months of total breakdown and the seven weeks of a preparational shift, and retreated on the 1st of March 2017 to my loving home, where I started the life-changing process of recovering, recharging and reconnection – a progress and growth I’m still experiencing as I write.
The following four posts I’ll be getting even more personal and detailed, taking you into all the impacted areas and how starting from zero, building healthy habits and making divine decisions have been, and still are, creating change and progress.
Will you stay with me?
love & peace,