For those who want to live life, experiencing a heartache is inevitable. Some are minor, some major. Some are expected, some unexpected. But all are inevitable, uncontrollable and uncomfortable. And all need treatment, healing, care.
My first heartbreak didn’t have anything to do with me, but did impact me. Unfortunately too many will understand the pain of the separation of parents, the absence of a father or mother. I was young and don’t even remember my parents being together, but I do remember linking my insecurities, timidity and eczema during primary school to the pain of the absence of my dad. About the age of twelve I was done with living a depressed and a self-pitiful live and I started picking up and mending my broken parts. Just as every broken heart it took time to heal, but I managed getting over the trauma and over all the physical and social …came with it. But there was some things I couldn’t do myself.
As I grew up with my mum and brother we had a majority of women at home. My mum and I quite independent, maybe even dominant, and we look a lot alike. So whatever happened at home happened our way. All my friends were girls, so once again I was surrounded by like-minded and like-wired people. Cause let’s be real honest: men and women are not wired the same way. We think, behave, love, react, function differently. I never got to learn this properly.
Beside not knowing men I didn’t know how to be loved by man. Even more, I was afraid to be loved by a man, not being enough for a man, being left by a man. I was afraid of the risk of getting my heart broken again. I therefore decided to actively wait until I was sure of someone being worth that risk. Plus, I believed there was enough for me to still learn about myself, others and men.
For those who know me know that even my fear doesn’t keep me from going all in if I’m convinced and confident that the risk will be worth it. During my single-years I got to learn what I do and do not appreciate when it comes to relationship and in 2015 I met the guy I found worth risking things for. I went all in with everything I learned and knew at that moment, and everything that was yet unknown to me, and with all my flaws, drama and, yup, with my fears too.
It takes two to tangle
… and every story has two side, at least! As discussed in my first blog I tend to be really future-minded – I’ve always been. And it’s taken me to places. The shame is that it comes with great expectations and not many real memories that stick. This made that in my relationship I was always focused on how we could grow, move further, reach our dreams. I enjoyed the moments, but I often caused an unintended pressure on the relationship, and on the one I love, by putting the accent and focus on the future. Being an intense and deep person, a girl (!), with a sensitive personality is one thing. Being too expectant, not in the moment and … is another thing. A fatal thing.
I believe this to be my bitter part of the story which cause us to break up, which cause my second, unexpected, big heartbreak. Though I had many questions, and though it caused a difficult season to become an emotional and physical nightmare, I never regret the decision to allow myself to be loved by him. This doesn’t mean I got over it and moved on just like that. On the contrary: I had to allow a painful season and process that took me back in time.
If we forget, we allow the lessons to pass by too, but forgiveness is nothing but some self respect and love. To not forgive is to drink poison yourself, hoping the other will die – it does not affect anybody but yourself. Forgiveness does also not mean you ignore or deny the bad that happened, you just don’t let it be part of your future anymore.
I’ve always believed in forgiveness, but of course it’s not the believing that makes the healing happen, it’s the actual action on the belief. And that belief is never tested in the beautiful, the easy and the comfortable.
I decided, through all the darkness and pain, to heal, to forgive. I forgave my dad, my ex and myself for not being able to meet needs. I forgave them, and myself, for the hurt, the lack and the breaking of trust that was caused and allowed. I forgave. It took and will maybe take more time. But the most beautiful thing is: I got unconditional love and courage in return for it.
Though we might be surrounded by and filled with pain, there will always be something to be thankful for. I know, some days it feels like there really isn’t, that even the fact that we are breathing could seem like a curse, but know, the search for gratitude will make you find things to be grateful for. And it’s these things that will bring back the fire of life, love and laughter.
Before this heartbreak I got introduced to something lovely: a gratitude book. I received a notebook and the task to fill up each page every night with everything I’m grateful for. It reminded me to see the beauty of life and forced me to find it whenever it seemed gone. The silence, the peace, my family, friends and loved ones, my health, the daily provision, my home, the experiences, the growth, you name it. Ain’t it all things we could give thanks for.
Gratitude, in whatever form of action, will not only get you out of pain, but it can make you gracefully strong and beautiful when life is good, too. Don’t wait for the intense seasons to look for the beauty of life, start being grateful today.
I am not my past. I might not yet be who I want to be, but I am my very best version right now. I am gracefully vulnerable, I am perfectly imperfect. I am a piece of art, fearfully and wonderfully made. I am am strong, graceful and fierce. I am not my mistakes, I am forgiven. I am loved and worthy. I am enough, I am worth the best. I am a daughter of Zion, the great I AM. I am His princess, I am a queen.
With heartbreaks and heartaches often comes a lot of insecurity and self-doubt. We tend to lose the confidence we took a lifetime to build up and we forget our actual value. But a €10 bill doesn’t lose it’s worth after it’s been folded, crumpled and messes up. That very same way we don’t lose our value when we go through tough times and devastating seasons. So pick yourself up again and talk that good stuff back into your worthy soul – you are valuable!
Heartbreaks and aches caused by others often makes us think differently about people. Especially after painful relationships or breakups we tend to generalize and maybe even not trust the other gender anymore. But I hope we can learn that not all pain is intended. That we can’t expect what one can’t be or give at that moment. And that whoever your future might involve, you are not your past, nor are they your past pains or pain-causers.
Next: the past repeats once again – the birth of natural remedies and habits.
Stick with me, ok?
love & peace,